


Never Enough

by Wonkyun



Series: Changkyuns suffer [3]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Abuse of Authority, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Eventual Fluff, Gen, Graphic Description, Hurt/Comfort, I promise, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Insecurity, Lim Changkyun | I.M-centric, M/M, Panic Attacks, Rape Aftermath, Secrets, Suicidal Thoughts, Underage Sex, Victim Blaming, Victim blaming is by the victim, breakdown - Freeform, changkyun deserves better, changkyun is so sad and lonely and he just wants more, emotional breakdown, suicidal ideation.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-19
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2019-03-06 22:57:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13421400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wonkyun/pseuds/Wonkyun
Summary: Changkyun knows he can't tell them, knows that they will react with disgust and utter revulsion if they were to ever find out his dirty little secret. So changkyun won't tell them, he'll go on with his life like he used to and he'll deal with the pain just like he used to and if he feels like he's dying, well it's only because he's caused himself to rot from the inside out.





	Never Enough

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings:  
> Rape/non-con (long scene)  
> Underage (implied)  
> Suicidal ideation
> 
>  
> 
> Inspired by:  
> Never Enough--Loren Allred  
> Bruises-- Lewis Capaldi 
> 
> "There must be something in the water, cause everyday it's getting colder"

Changkyun knew it was his job to tell his band mates how much he had messed up. To truly show them what a failure and worthless person he was, but as he sat down on the couch he felt his words get stuck in his dry throat. He opened and closed his mouth but nothing he wanted to say would come out. He could hear the guys talking around him in various conversations, happy and relaxed, taking absolutely no heed of him. Changkyun had a sudden realisation that he was being self absorbed and selfish. He was being so stupid he realised. The boys didn't care about his little stunt weeks ago, they would have brought it up already. Changkyun had just over thought the whole situation and worried himself sick. He didn't need to tell them now because as long as nobody was asking he was not going around revealing. He sighed in relief.

The relief however was short-lived, no surprise to changkyun, as hyunwoo walked into the living room with a grim look on his face. He looked nervously around the room before his eyes landed on changkyun. He shuffled his feet and the tension rose as everyone seemed to gain an air of nervousness. 

"Jinsun, the manager, just called me about our plans for debut. He seemed pretty adamant on talking to changkyun privately" hyunwoo frowns and looks toward him with confusion. "He didn't say why."

Changkyun can feel his heart pounding in his throat. His sweaty palms rubbing on his sweatpants as he tries to breath properly and dispell the confusion surrounding his bandmates.

"I knew him before no mercy and all of that. When I first came to starship he helped me out, maybe he just wants to catch up." Changkyun weakly offers and thankfully the boys seem to accept it and the tension quickly eases from the room.

"I thought we were in serious trouble or something with the way you were acting hyunwoo , what was with the nervousness?" Hoseok questions, obviously relieved that he is not in any sort of trouble. Changkyun however does not share his relief.

"He just sounded very eager on the phone and I was worried that something may be wrong with changkyuns rap or something but it's all cleared up now. He also said he wanted you to head to the office now." 

Changkyun nodded his head silently, afraid of what his voice would sound like should he speak. He got up from the packed couch and made his way toward his room to grab his shoes and jacket, not that he'd be wearing them long if this went how he feared it would. He swallowed his self pity, he deserved this, he knew he did so he shouldn't be sulking and feeling sorry for himself. If he was ever to live normally he needed to get over himself and stop getting bothered by such petty things. Maybe going to see jinsun would help him, make him realise that it was no big deal, nothing he should be so affected by. 

On his way to the front door he stopped and peered into the living room, jooheon and hyungwon were cuddled up together in the couch with minhyuk while hoseok, kihyun and hyunwoo argued over what action film to play. Changkyun wanted nothing more to cuddle up on the couch with them and relax down to a movie with his older members but he knew such a dream was stupid and naive, changkyun would never deserve anything like that, ever. All changkyun deserved was pain and humiliation. He can't believe he was about to tell them his dirty little secret, what was he even thinking, the well deserved embarrassment would be hard to handle . 

"Im heading off now." He announced into the full room and shot them a small smile when they looked his way and bid their farewells, wishing him luck with laughs. Changkyun tried not to wince as he headed out the door of their dorm and made his way toward the starship building which was only a short walk away.

Changkyun stood outside jinsuns office door and tried to work up the courage to knock, he knew from experience that the longer he procrastinated and made jinsun wait the worse it was going to be, but that thought didn't make it any easier to face what he was about to face, didn't make it any easier to walk into his own personal hell.Changkyun, not for the first time, wished he could just wake up and find out that this was all some horrible terrible dream, the thought was comforting but probably the most unrealistic thing he had ever come up with. Changkyun took a long deep breath and quietly chanted under his breath, this was his fault, he brought this upon himself, he deserved this. 

Changkyun is snapped out of his self-depreciating thoughts when he hears somebody clear their throat loudly from inside the office. The building is most likely empty apart from him and jinsun and he's not sure if that thought makes him sick or relieved. No chance of anybody helping him but also no chance of anybody hearing them and walking in on changkyun being his disgusting self. 

"Are you just gonna stand out there all night sweetheart? Or are you going to come in and properly greet me?"

Changkyun closes his eyes and, again ,prays to a god he's lost hope in, prays to someone, prays to everyone, prays to whoever would take pity on him and just help. He pushes open the office door and makes his way into the stuffy room. Jinsun is sitting in an immaculately pressed suit at the desk. He has an expensive looking glass full of golden whiskey in his right hand, and judging by the near empty bottle on the desk he's been going at it awhile. This is going to be a long painful night is all changkyun can think before he's stripping off his oversized striped sweater under jinsuns lustful gaze. That won't be the only thing discarded on the floor tonight he thinks bitterly.

*******  
Jinsuns been going at it roughly an hour, the 7th time in just two weeks that changkyun has been called down to his office to discuss "debut". Changkyun is already wishing he were six feet under, or perhaps six hundred feet under would be a better alternative if he were to be honest. Changkyun is in one of jinsuns favourite positions, bent uncomfortably over the wooden desk face down, only preferred after his favourite position, changkyun on the desk on his back so jinsun can stare into his eyes while he ruins his life and subsequently his will to live. Changkyun is tired and sore and he cant seem to stop the everlasting flow of tears down his cheeks.

"Don't know how you have any tears left sweetheart, maybe next time I'll use them as lube seeming as you have so much." Jinsun chuckles as he rubs his knuckles gently across changkyuns cheekbone and temple, both soaked in his own tears of shame and self hatred. His other hand is a scalding heavy presence on changkyuns clammy lower back, rubbing circles in a mock attempt to ease the achy pain radiating at the bottom of his spine. 

"I've missed you so much these past few months . I hope you haven't forgotten that you belong to me, id hate to have to remind you. The past two weeks are only a taste of what's to come sweetheart." Jinsuns removes his hands from his face and back and now they are roughly grabbing his thin hips with bruising pressure as he uses them as leverage to further ruin changkyun, who chokes on his sobs and pleas. Loudly begging and pleading for him to stop, although most of it is muffled and completely indecipherable.

He closes his bloodshot teary eyes and tries to block out the pain and the grunts behind him, recites his raps in his head until it all becomes too much, and he finds himself whimpering uncontrollably, shoulders heaving with the force of his pent up emotion and distress. It is not unusual for him to have a panic attack in the middle of one of his 'meetings' but it is unusual for it to be this severe, usually he saves his breakdown for when he's home, safely in his bed where he can sob himself to sleep.

Changkyuns snapped out of his panic attack abruptly when the right side of his face is smashed into the desk violently as jinsun whispers harshly into his ear. "You better stop being so loud, the last thing we want is somebody to walk in on you being your slutty self, it will ruin you" he sneers, roughly continuing his thrusting with rinewd vigor.

Changkyun bites down hard on his bottom lip to try to muffle the pained and desperate sounds coming from his mouth. Jinsun is right, the last thing changkyun wants is for somebody to see him in such a degrading and humiliating position, he would surely be kicked out of the group and probably hated by everyone. They would see him for who he truly is, a disgusting used up slut who asked for it. He gulps loudly and swallows the spit,that's been collecting in his mouth, before it chokes him or dribbles out onto the cold table underneath him.

Jinsun must be finally nearing his end because the movements have become fast and violent and have changkyun sliding painfully against the table, desperately digging his fingers into the wood to ground himself and save himself from the brunt of the thrusts. He closes his eyes again, can't stand staring at that wretched picture of himself on jinsun desk, can't stand the fact that he let it happen again when he knew how much it ruined him last time, how much it stained his very being. He hates himself for letting jinsun ruin him, he hates himself for bringing it upon himself, but most of all he hates himself for believing that he was worth anything more.

Changkyun is so obsorbed in his own thoughts and in the pain he's feeling that he doesn't register the soft footsteps outside in the long empty corridor, nor does he hear it when said footsteps stop outside jinsun office.

It's only when he hears the door swing open and the surprised gasp of the person who has just entered ring out, does changkyun finally realise what is happening. Jinsun has finally stalled behind him and he knows what they look like, there will be no misinterpretation of this situation, no excuses that would ever be valid enough to excuse what this looks like and frankly what this is. Time seems to slow down as changkyun feels his heart pound wildly in his achy throat and he finally looks up toward the door and opens his eyes. One slightly bruised but both profusely leaking tears.

"Gunhee"


End file.
